Protocols to repair after a regrettable incident have been validated across cultures.
A step-by-step guide:
Even great relationships face complications.
But the best relationships know how to overcome.
Here is how.
The last thing you would want the breacher to do is apologize BEFORE giving you an opportunity to share how you feel!
Apologizing before understanding is a surefire way to further damage a relationship.
Instead, do this.
First, understand.
Then, apologize.
This sequence has been validated across cultures.
But it’s easier said than done.
Here is my 5 step exercise for creating understanding (that’ll help you rescue damaged relationships):
1. Both parties must not dictate their version of the “facts”
2. Both parties must assume each other’s reality has validity
3. Both parties must understand each other’s perception of the situation
It shares the 4 behaviors that kill partnerships.
https://twitter.com/mattschnuck/status/1569703381685661696
Now, let’s get into step 1 of creating a shared understanding.
Take turns sharing how you felt about the incident.
Don’t hold anything back, but:
• Don’t say why you felt that way (yet)
• When listening, avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings
Describe your reality of the situation.
Then have your partner share theirs.
Summarize and validate shared understanding of each other’s reality.
DO NOT move forward until both parties feel their understanding is validated.
Triggers are memories or experiences that might’ve escalated the situation.
Both parties must:
1. Share triggers involved in the incident
2. Explain why those memories are triggers
3. Understand why the other side is triggered by those memories
1. Acknowledge your contribution to the situation
2. Share how you set yourself up for the conflict
3. Identify what you regret and apologize if necessary
Here are some prompts to help you out.
Take turns sharing one thing your partner can do to make the discussion better in the future:
• When sharing, remain calm
• When listening, be agreeable and understanding
Then, identify what each of you needs to put this behind you and move on.
But as the author and therapist Esther Perel says:
“The quality of our lives is the quality of our relationships.”
Use this repair guide to help get back on track.
• Follow me @mattschnuck for more threads on EQ, entrepreneurship, and growth.
• Retweet the first tweet to share this guide with someone with an important relationship in need
A good rule at home or on the global stage…
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