It’s good to fight

Usually, if a couple never argues, it’s because “things have been parked”.

Once you open things up, actually there is quite a lot of feeling there, and upset – there’s just been smoothing over and covering up.

Broadly speaking, it militates against intimacy, if you won’t show yourself to one another.

Stop blaming

One example of where people are looking for adjudication is closeness.

One person wants to get closer, and the other person finds ways to distance and they might think a therapist can tell them who’s in the right. But there’s no right or wrong because they’ve created this situation together.

Usually, there’s a distance regulation system. There’s an unconscious collusion to maintain the distance between them, even if only one person’s complaining about it.

Use ‘I feel … ’ rather than ‘You always … ’

We make ourselves very vulnerable when we describe your own feelings, particularly if we're fearful or sad.

We’re so worried about our vulnerability that we’re aggressive in order to cover it up. Sometimes it’s not safe to show people how fragile you are.

If you feel anxious about talking to somebody, don’t just tell them the thing, tell them you’re worried about telling them the thing. Signal that it’s difficult for you.

Don’t have children (well, do if you must)

Relationship satisfaction typically crashes after children. Because when there's a real infant, it becomes a conflict of needs. However, many couples grow and deepen their intimacy via having children.

So maybe the rule is, do it or don’t, just be aware that it will change your relationship in a way that you can’t prevent, and nor can you get ahead of how that change will make you feel.

Have sex (or don’t, but at least notice when you stop)

There are a lot of nonsexual couples. But if you’re in your 20s,30s,40s and mid-50s, and there’s absolutely no sex, there’s a risk that it is going to lead to the end of the relationship. 

If your sex life flags, don’t assume it’ll pick back up; anxiety builds around it, and with it the ability to communicate. 

Be brave

The process of seriously examining any relationship is so often about psychic separation, because they’re caught up in a dynamic in which they’ve got very confused.

They’re projecting on to each other, they’re confused about who’s who. It always involves separation in terms of looking at somebody again. It’s a question of whether it’s a real separation and it takes courage.