Here’s how (🧵):
Yet, many of us have experienced conflict that leads to: betrayal, rejection, abandonment, and withdrawing.
Our parent figures teach us how to navigate conflict through how they navigate conflict.
– Name calling
– Silent treatment
– Shaming “you’re too sensitive” “why are you being dramatic, get over it.”
– Scorekeeping: one upping each other
– Deflection: re-directing blame to our partner
– Denial: pretending issues don’t exist or downplaying them “it wasn’t that bad” “you’re making this bigger than it is.”
This is because we never learned healthy conflict relationship skills.
Many people see conflict as a sign that the person isn’t “for them” or that the relationship won’t work out.
The truth is conflict is a part of all relationships.
Healthy partnerships have awareness that:
– Conflict is unavoidable
– When there’s conflict, we talk about it, directly
– Our nervous system dictates our ability to communicate, and we may need breaks
– My partner has my best interest at heart, even when we disagree
1. Childhood inventory: our childhood has a massive impact on how we view conflict and engage in it. Do a childhood inventory with your partner by asking them how parent figure (s) dealt with conflict.
This will lead to better mutual understanding of each other.
This is difficult, because most of us are just preparing for what we’ll stay next, or “debunking” what our partner is saying.
3. Reflection: we all have a deep need to be heard. When your partner shares, before stating your side, reflect on what they’ve said.
“So when I tell you I’m coming home and I’m late, you get anxious, is that right?”
“When I withdraw, you feel rejected, and need me to vocalize that I need a break”
Our body is in threat mode.
note: we’re more likely to access this state if we’ve been through childhood trauma during conflict. Be aware of your partner’s history.
5. Solution focused: in dysfunctional relationships, there’s deep need for control.
To resolve conflict, we have to end scorekeeping and begin practicing being solution focused.
ex: “You feel like you’re doing most of the chores, and I can see that. What chores can I specifically help with?”
note: speak directly to what you need “I could use reassurance right now.”
Speak for yourself.
It will feel vulnerable (maybe scary) but keep the focus on your feelings “I felt..”
Our relationships will be: safer, stronger, and more fulfilling if we put in this work.
I’m a holistic psychologist who writes threads with tips and tools for healing yourself, every day.