Bringing out the good in kids—and parents—with Becky Kennedy | ReThinking with Adam Grant
In this enlightening episode of Re:Thinking with Adam Grant, clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy, also known as Dr. Becky, explores the complexities of parenthood.
The fascinating conversation delves into topics like setting boundaries, validating emotions, cultivating values, and the importance of communication in child-rearing.
It is more critical to not be an abusive parent than it is to be an extra loving, loving parent. It’s more important to not restrict your kids’ freedom than it is to give them, you know, loads of autonomy. – Adam Grant
Individual Needs and Mental Health
Different children require different parenting approaches.
This difference is not a reflection of parental failure but rather the unique needs of each child.
Prioritizing children’s mental health involves dedicating uninterrupted, screen-free time to connect with them.
Understanding Children’s Actions
Understanding the reasons behind children’s actions can lead to changing rules from a place of growth, not just to make them happy.
This understanding can result in greater cooperation.
When I think about a parent’s job, I think about two main buckets of things… The first part of a parent’s job is boundaries right and that really answers a kid’s question ‘am I safe?’… The other half of our job is validation which is really seeing your kids emotional experience as real. – Becky Kennedy
We are all more attached to feeling seen than to any individual decision. – Dr. Becky Kennedy
Redefining Success
Success can be defined in various ways, and parents should consider their children’s long-term well-being and development.
It’s crucial to foster values such as kindness and generosity, which can be achieved by asking children open-ended questions about their actions and experiences.
The Power of Repair
Focusing on repair and apologizing when mistakes are made is a significant aspect of parenting.
Resisting punishments and timeouts isn’t indicative of being ‘soft,’ it’s an effective approach that circumvents desperation.
Defining a Parent’s Job
Parenting involves two main components: setting boundaries and providing validation.
These tasks respectively ensure a child’s sense of security and acknowledgment of their emotional experiences.
It’s essential to dismiss the notion that a parent’s primary duty is to ensure their child’s happiness or achievement.
Feeling Seen and Understood
Feeling seen and understood is more important than individual decisions.
The emotional connection of feeling seen holds more value than any specific decision.
I think it’s really soft to parent from a place of desperation which is where punishments and timeouts come from. – Dr. Becky
Emotion Regulation Skills
Teaching children emotion regulation skills is crucial as negative behaviors often stem from an inability to manage frustration.
Normalizing and validating children’s feelings can prevent such behaviors.
The Role of Children in Problem-solving
Involving children in creating solutions to their behavioral challenges gives them a sense of ownership and confidence.
This involvement is an empowering strategy that encourages problem-solving skills.
The core issue is that the frustration of losing is so much greater than their skills at managing the frustration. Any time a feeling is bigger than the skills for the feeling, it’s going to come out in behavior. – Dr. Becky Kennedy
Parental Priorities vs. Children’s Perceptions
A disconnect often exists between parents’ priorities for their children and what children perceive as important.
Parents commonly prioritize kindness and caring, while children believe their parents value happiness or achievement.
Balancing Rules and Creativity
Households with clear values but fewer rules tend to raise highly creative children.
Balancing rules with fostering creativity and independence is a challenge parents need to navigate.
The Power of Family Meetings
Family meetings are an effective yet underutilized intervention with children.
These meetings provide a platform where ideas are shared and discussed respectfully, helping children feel heard and respected.
The Gap between Knowing and Doing
Awareness that ‘knowing better’ doesn’t always translate to ‘doing better’ is critical.
Understanding this gap can lead to more effective strategies in managing behaviors.
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