How to ask for help
Mastering the art of seeking assistance is a vital life skill. It's about overcoming pride, embracing vulnerability, and acknowledging that we don't have all the answers. Let's delve into the nuances of asking for help effectively.
Everyone needs support
Asking for help can feel so uncomfortable that we would often rather suffer in silence, or try to do everything ourselves
- Over time, carrying a heavy load without enough support can lead to burnout – the exhaustion and disengagement that results from the chronic stress of having too many demands and not enough resources
- Research suggests that everyday acts of benevolence can increase the wellbeing of both the recipient and the helper
- The help you need at any given time might range from something relatively minor, like covering a work shift, or getting a ride somewhere, or a word of advice, to something far-reaching, like financial assistance for a child, or medical help for a medical condition, etc.
Creating a culture of help and support
By fostering a team culture in which it is normal to both give and receive help, we feel more comfortable asking for help when we need it.
- Offering support builds social capital in your personal and professional relationships over time, and when you’ve been supportive of others, you are more likely to receive help when it’s needed.
Links & Books
Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You (2018) by Heidi Grant includes a section on why ‘asking for help is the worst’ and a chapter on how not to’make it weird’.
- The book Influence Is Your Superpower: The Science of Winning Hearts, Sparking Change, and Making Good Things Happen (2022) by the behavioral scientist Zoe Chance offers practical strategies for persuading others to say yes.
- How to be more secure in your relationships Too clingy – or too scared to commit? Your attachment style is rooted in your childhood, but you can change it by Graham Johnston & Matt Wotton How to ask if they’re getting addicted by K Michelle Peavy How to have less stuff by Melissa Norberg
What to do
Check your assumptions about asking for help
- Negative associations: you might associate help-seeking with a negative view of ‘taking handouts’ or think that someone is lazy if they can’t do something themselves
- Self-criticism
- Concerns about how you will be perceived
- Overestimating the likelihood of rejection
- People are likely much more willing to help than you realize
- Make a decision to ask for help
Key points
Asking for help can be uncomfortable, but it’s an important skill. It can yield much-needed practical and emotional support and protect you from burnout.
- Check your assumptions about asking for help: Self-criticism, concerns about how someone will see you, and other thoughts and beliefs can discourage help-seeking, but they might not be reasonable or accurate
- Make a decision to ask: The long-term benefits of asking outweigh any short-term costs
- Choose the right person: Think about who has the skills, ability, and knowledge to help you and when is the best time to ask
- Ask in the face of discomfort: Label the emotions, summon your courage, and ask anyway
- Use assertive communication skills: Be open, direct, and respectful