How To Talk To A Contrarian (Without Getting Into A Fight)
The contrarian’s tendency to view every casual conversation as a chance for intellectual gamesmanship can be incredibly grating after a while. How do you deal with this type of conversationalist – well-meaning but a little too aggressive for your taste – at work or in your personal life?
Understand the different types of contrarians
The first rule of conversing with a contrarian is to learn why they are the way they are
- There are three basic types: the competitor, the gadfly and the left brain
- Competitor: someone close to you in some capacity
- Gadfly: make people think
- At their best, they bring up interesting counterpoints, forcing you to go a little deeper than you otherwise would
- Left brain contrarian: observe and observe, be empathetic to their conversation partner
Be mindful of any power differentials that may be involved
If you hold marginalized identities and someone is playing “devil’s advocate” with issues that are critical or personal to you, consider how much energy you have to engage.
- You can choose to maintain your inner peace by saying you prefer to not discuss this.
Don’t underestimate the power of saying, ‘You know, I’d rather not debate right now.’
It’s totally fine to be explicit in what you expect from a healthy conversation, too, especially if you suspect the person is intentionally pressing your buttons.
- If you don’t feel like “citing evidence” every time you talk to your spouse, tell them.
Tell them how their conversation habits make you feel
Kurt Smith is a marriage and family therapist in Roseville, California, who works primarily with men
- In the moment, tell the person how it makes you feel when they try to override your opinion or feelings on an issue
- Ask them to respect how you feel by not taking such a confrontational approach when talking to you
Call them out
If you’ve already stated how the behavior makes you feel and your contrarian has acknowledged and sympathized with that and still plays devil’s advocate, call them out on it.
- Remind them that they are ‘doing it again’ and would appreciate their reciprocal consideration.