What I’ve learned from 10 years of therapy – and why it’s time to stop
Embarking on a decade-long journey of therapy can be transformative, enlightening, and challenging. As we delve into the lessons gleaned from such an experience, we also explore the reasons and implications of choosing to step away from it.
Therapy was like finding a key for a door that had been locked my whole life
Here are the nine things it’s taught me
- In 2012, therapy carries something of a stigma
- The open conversations we have today around mental health weren’t happening
- Now, Covid has sharpened everyone’s awareness of their own mental health struggles
- Ten million people will need support for their mental health as a direct result of the pandemic, according to the Centre for Mental Health
- Demand for therapy is outpacing supply
Ask yourself the right questions
What is choosing an unavailable man good for?
- He’ll never commit to a relationship with me, I venture.
- And what’s that good for, she asks, half-smiling
- It keeps me from having an intimate, grownup relationship, I say.
- She asks what purpose does it serve?
Check in with yourself (every now and then)
What’s happening for you right now?
- This is a question we don’t often ask ourselves, checking in with the present moment
- When I do speak honestly, what I say usually surprises me, and once it has been voiced, we work backward to figure out what I’m so pissed off about
You have to know when to stop
Therapy is a powerful means to an end, and it has armed me with the skills, in effect, to be my own therapist.
- Now the end is approaching, have I run out of problems?
- No, but my therapy has helped me confront and understand them – and given me the tools to tackle them.
… but don’t blame your parents
Larkin was right, they fuck you up
- Every frustration at her behavior, every flaw in her character, every life skill she feels she lacks, she lays the blame at her parents’ door
- It feels good at first, as it lets her off the hook, but after a while it starts to feel a bit pointless, a bit immature
- As time goes on, she realizes something blindingly obvious: my parents had to make do with their parents
Tears are useful
The release of talking, of being listened to, is an emotional experience
- Many sessions, particularly in these early days, are emotionally battering, tearful, and leave me feeling wrung out for days
- It is during one of these tearful moments that I acknowledge how much I want to be a mother, despite the fact that I am single
Self-acceptance is actually a thing
This phrase is bandied around so freely in self-help articles and on fridge magnets, it has almost lost its meaning.
- I have always felt unfinished, not-yet-perfect, and that if I could become a bit more confident, a bit less self-conscious, then I would be ready to launch into the world, fully formed – and then, I would find contentment, fulfilment and love.
Don’t be afraid of silence
Silences are often when the juiciest things come out. It takes courage to sit with it.
- If you fill your silence to avoid awkwardness, you’re actually avoiding something else – an intimacy, a genuine thought, an ability to feel a little exposed.
Proper change takes time
A therapist is part detective, part archaeologist, scratching at the surface, finding something of potential interest and digging a little deeper
- These quieter, less emotional sessions are where the deep excavation takes place
- They work as a team, trying to piece things together, make connections
- In the real world, life starts to get a little easier
The past holds clues
We survive (in the broadest sense) our childhoods by figuring out how to fit into our families, our roles, our small world; we learn about relationships from our parents. We then carry these ways of being into our adult lives where, in many cases, they are no longer useful, or relevant.