Laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations that will make you laugh out loud.
Funny Quotes
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
- Abraham Lincoln
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
- Alan Dundes
- The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
- When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Charles Shulz
- A day without laughter is a day wasted.
- Charlie Chaplin
- Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
- If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
- The Dalai Lama
- Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers
- Expecting the world to treat you like you are expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Hilarious Sayings
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
- Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public
- The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog
- If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you
- It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours
- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on
- Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake
- Laugh a lot. It looks fun. It burns a lot of calories
- When you die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep
Funny Observations
Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh
- The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets
- Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching
- If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile
- Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem
- A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere
- It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames
- Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid
Funny Quotes from Comedians
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city
- There is no such thing as fun for the whole family
- According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend
- Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them
- A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men
- Conan O’Brien The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing
- If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Quotes to Make You Laugh
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes
- The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
- Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times
- Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more
